If you are going to make a national fast food chain, you better be responsible enough when naming it that this thought crosses your mind:

“Is the name we are considering giving to our soon to be national fast food chain one that is going to be taken out of context by perverted, dirty minded American citizens constantly and turned into orgy, train, and bukkake related jokes?”

I mean really, how did that not come up at one of the initial meetings? Anyway, here are some of the orgy, train, and bukkake related jokes centered around the very irresponsible naming of Five Guys….Burgers and Fries.

  • Whenever I get blackout drunk I end up taking Five Guys home with me(Five Guys “To Go” joke)
  • I love busting Five Guys nuts in my mouth, then licking the salt off my lips. (I feel their decision to have nuts was made specifically so I could make this joke, destiny realized)
  • (Holding the burger above your face and dripping sauce into your mouth) It feels so good on my face!!(Not related to the name, but still, fucking hilarious)
  • I fucked five guys once……….Who said that?
  • Having me in your mouth, is a lot like having five guys in your mouth(Five Guys pickup line)

(More later)

I recently came across a dating website entitled “christianmingle.com”. Just kidding, I don’t say pretentious things like “entitled”. Anyway, I will now make jokes about the website for my own personal enjoyment. Their slogan is “Find God’s Match For You”.  That is actually genius, and the only part of the site that I will praise(pun very much intended). Most businesses pay big money for their celebrity endorsements but since God isn’t real(half kidding) they got to use his name for free. Like I said, genius. I came up with a few more slogans they could use:

  • Where being a carpenter, will get you laid
  • Where the vaginas smell like fish….Jesus fish
  • Where you have a viable excuse for staring at the cross dangling between her tits
  • Get your cruciFIX of gorgeous singles
  • Where WWJD becomes Who Would Jesus Do?

-GU

There is a group called Above the Influence that spews mindless propaganda with little basis on fact. They are dip shits. Anyway, they have an anti-marijuana commercial I am sure you are all familiar with. How can anyone be against something as glorious as spiritual cannabis I will never understand. There is always a group out there telling you what not to do, who not to sleep with, and what you should believe in. This same group also has negative things to say about hallucinogenic mushrooms. What’s next, stay away from chocolate chip cookies and masturbating? Come on. In this commercial there are two girls sitting on two separate couches and a man asking one of the girls(identified as Sarah)

“What’s going on here?”

Sarah, is not a normal girl. She was clearly born with some sort of awful degenerative disease where she was born without or somehow lost her bones. She looks like a deflated blow up doll melted into the side of the couch. Her friend interjects saying:

“She won’t answer you. Or, She can’t. This is the way it’s been since she started smoking pot. She’s all lazy and boring and….”

Wow. Sarah does not have bones. If you have seen this ad, you know this is not debatable. Yet her excuse for a friend has the nerve to call her “lazy” and “boring”. Personally, if I did not have a skeleton I would want to smoke pot as well and I would not want to be around an entitled, able bodied bitch like the girl in this ad. Above the Influence put this out as an anti-marijuana ad but it is really an anti “stuck up bitch who doesn’t appreciate her skeleton and needs to feel empathy for others” ad.  I for one support Sarah and her choice to use medicinal marijuana to fight her boneless condition and praise her for her strength.

-GU

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